If you find your self talk filled with terms like I should be, or I should do, stop that now. Of course, I’m not talking about the desire to become a better version of yourself what kind of coach would i be if i did that? What I am talking about is specifically, the word “should”. The word “should” is inherently negative; using this word results in feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, frustration, and self-rejection.
The reason for this is that “should” is comparative in nature. When you “should yourself”, you are saying that you are not as worthy as others who already “are”. I should lose some weight, I should keep a clean house, I should be more outgoing… etc. are all critical statements. Your inner critic is making you feel like you are less than someone else, because you don’t look, act or feel a certain way.
I know this may seem counterintuitive, so let me give you an example. Imagine a friend drops by for a visit, looks around your house and says, “you should’ve cleaned before I came over”. How does that feel? The word should is almost always corrective. Unfortunately, we tolerate correction and negative self talk from our inner voice because we feel we don’t have a choice in the matter.
The problem with that is when you try to compensate for your perceived shortcomings, you stretch yourself to the max, then feel guilty about not being able to do more. That begins a vicious loop shame and guilt trying to be and do all of the thing we believe we “should “ do.
The good news is that you can take back control of your mind and your future. Simply by deleting the word should from your vocabulary.
First, you have to become aware of your usage of the word. Sometimes our self talk is so pervasive that we hardly even notice it. Awareness is key to change. Keep a journal of when you are being unkind to yourself. What triggered the “should storm”, how did it make you feel? Next, we’re going to prepare some replacement language.
Remember the word “should” focuses on the past. Whenever you tell yourself or someone else that they should’ve done something, it always too late. Rather, reframe the statements to future focused statements. Instead of “I should’ve handled that better”, say, “In the future I will handle situations like that better”. Instead of “I should lose some weight”, say “I am taking steps to lose weight today”.
I realize these changes are subtle, but effective nonetheless. Try it and see if helps you feel better about situations that make you feel negatively.
p.s. Another tip is to be proactive about the things you feel you should do. Tony Robbins says you have to decide which things your MUST do and focus on that. I’ve provided a free guide that you can use to help you focus on the Musts, so you can eliminate the Shoulds from your life.
